Empathy in Pandemic

In the months leading up to quarantine I spent considerable time contemplating some experiences I was having when meeting new people. It seemed generally some people see what’s in front of them or in their sphere of reality as universal truth. There’s a disconnect from those who are different or are having a different experience or are on a different path than they. Along with that comes a tremendous amount of judgment and a lack of empathy.

Now that we’re deep inside the pandemic, that way of seeing seems so much more prevalent on social media than my anecdotal encounters. I see it mostly group threads or the comments section of a news article rather than a friend’s feed. This morning I saw the meme below in a Coronavirus Support Group, and my immediate reaction was that while there is some truth, it seems arrogant and devoid of empathy. It wasn’t the post itself, but some of one of the comments that prompted me to write about this.

The truth is, not everyone does have the power right now to decide which outlook they will choose. There are people who have lost loved ones, entire families have been wiped out. People are struggling to find work and keep their businesses afloat. Some are literally living day to day trying to provide for their families. Neighborhoods are losing local businesses that are part of the fabric of the community. There is so much anger and hostility exchanged on social media, I’m surprised we do not have an all out Civil War yet. Ultimately, our entire society is disintegrating at a more rapid pace than it was in the months and years leading up to this time. It’s traumatic. My experience during this quarantine has been different day to day. Sometimes I feel a little down, but I have definitely also felt grief and agitation. Other times I feel content, but have also felt excitement and exhilaration. Worry and disgust and peace and joy. Some challenges have a simple fix, like going for a walk or a drive (assuming that’s possible). Other challenges can be more daunting or take more effort. Some are completely beyond our own control.

Reading the comments of this post, one person wrote: “Guess I’m person three. Didn’t effect [sic] me at all. I understand its [sic] bad for some but, I’m just being honest.”

The problem with this statement is that even if you do not get sick, or someone in your family or friend group does not get sick, you will not remain unaffected. The rippling effect of this pandemic will touch everyone in some way, some more profoundly than others. Even if you aren’t directly affected, having compassion, empathy, and understanding for those people who are affected is paramount. There’s only one of us here. Separating from the whole is a kind of death.

One person did comment on the original post that it (the OP) is lacking empathy. (The post was removed before I could screenshot his comment.) It reminded me of the time I was assaulted by a stranger walking up Eighth Avenue from Penn Station to meet someone for a second date. The man was walking erratically on the sidewalk. When he crossed my path, my boot clipped the back of his leg. As he turned around I reached out to apologize to him, but he looked at me with hate in his eyes and bodychecked me. I have cat like reflexes, so physically I was fine, but I was shaken. I felt like I was outside my body watching myself walk to my destination. When I arrived at the restaurant to meet my date, he asked how I was doing. I told him I felt rattled and what had just happened. His response, “Well it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you deal with it.” That is absolutely true, but completely lacking in empathy. Some might call it an F response (opposed to an A response).

You never know where someone has been, what kind of trauma they’ve experienced, or what you can learn from them. Be kind. Be open. Be compassionate. Allow the space for people (and yourself) to grieve and mourn. Allow them (and yourself) to feel angry. Allow them (and yourself) to process the experience. It’s possible to do that without compromising your own boundaries or their boundaries.