Spiritual Bypassing
I watched Murder Among The Mormons again the other night, having watched it the day it was released a couple of years ago. Funny how you pick up on things that may have gone unnoticed the first time around. What does this have to do with yoga? Sometimes we need to examine complex psychological issues in life in order to grow.
When I first saw the series, I had already taken a deep dive and read everything I could about Mark Hofmann. I talked about it to people who were living there at the time. My mom’s cousin went to high school with the husband of the second victim. One of my cousins felt the explosion inside her apartment when the third bomb exploded on Mark Hofmann a few blocks away. It was just something that happened and underneath that chaos was an extraordinary chain of events. It’s one of those stories that’s so unbelievable. Mark Hofmann was really good at what he did. In all aspects of his life he was an imposter, maybe from the time he was a child. Some described him as a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde type.
Last weekend, the day before Mother’s Day, there was a murder suicide in Salt Lake. The day before this murder suicide Lori Daybell was convicted on all 5 counts just in time for Mother’s Day. She’s the person who by all accounts was a devoted mother, but her kids ended up buried in her 5th husband’s backyard. She was stealing their social security survivor benefits after she allegedly conspired to kill the fathers who produced made those benefits possible. Another Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
The Mother’s Day murderer turned out to be a 49-year old man who shot and killed his 16-year old son. He was also a well regarded neuropsychologist who worked in psychedelic treatment and a yoga teacher. That’s when it clicked. I filled in at the front desk at the yoga studio where I worked when I first started teaching. He happened to have a candlelight class during that time and we had some small talk-type conversation before his class. He may have shown me the trick to locking the door. Otherwise I didn’t really know him, but as it turns out there are many people who thought they knew him, but didn’t really know him. Then there were those who knew, and who were not surprised. Some called him, you might have guessed, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
People who thought they knew him spoke out in shock, as people do. Other people who weren’t surprised spoke up about his dark side, as people do. His ex-wife had been fighting for over a decade for custody of their two children. She had already won full custody of their daughter, who was either an infant or still in utero when they divorced based on the timeline. Three weeks prior to the murder, she had won full custody of the son, finally, after years of abuse and terrorizing behavior. In his final act of terror and abuse, he killed their son the day before Mother’s Day.
In the aftermath, some people, who thought they knew him, were defending him. It is difficult to wrap your head around deceit when you have been deceived. To say this man who murdered his son was brilliant and that people should stop “sullying” his reputation and trying to turn his friends against him is misguided at best. To call someone “hateful” for speaking the truth is not okay, especially when they’re not being hateful in pointing out the truth.
In Murder Among The Mormons, one person, who had been Mark Hofmann’s closest friend, acknowledged that he was a brilliant forger. It’s undeniable. His work as a fraud is unparalleled. He made lots of money as an imposter. He was succeeding at creating false Church history. The same close friend also said it was “awful what he did” and that “he will never atone for his sins”. He said, “I should have suspected, we all should have suspected. We didn’t. People don’t want to know.” Truth.
Nobody celebrates Mark Hofmann’s deceitful achievements or brilliant forgeries. His path of destruction was far reaching and persists today. He murdered 2 people and may have murdered more if the bomb hadn’t exploded on him. People who were harmed by his actions are still struggling all these years later.
Spiritual bypassing is a term used to describe the tendency to use spiritual practices or beliefs as a way to avoid or bypass uncomfortable emotions and aspects of reality. It involves using spirituality as a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with difficult issues or uncomfortable feelings.
For example: “Stay Positive!” Or “You’re mean.” or “He was a brilliant man”. Or “I have love for all those who suffer, clearly he was suffering or he wouldn’t have murdered his child.” Okay, so what about all the other horrible actions before the murder? Elevating yourself as some kind of supreme being by proclaiming compassion is a spiritual bypassing red flag. He was suffering, too, so we should have compassion that while he was abusing he was actually suffering? No.
It is hard when we learn someone isn’t who we thought they were. Even harder when that side we didn’t know is incredibly dark. It’s important to take the time to understand human behavior so that we can recognize the signs when things aren’t quite right. Tragedy prevention. It’s important to believe victims. It’s also important to understand and accept that people aren’t always who you think they are, especially people who are pillars of the community. People sometimes exploit their power to harm others. They may even exploit unsuspecting people who unknowingly help them pursue malevolent behavior. No one would suspect them of doing such harm. Victims are either afraid to come forward or when they do, people don’t believe them. It’s a tragic cycle.
Back in November 2001, I got a phone call from my mother. The Youth Director from the church where I grew up had been shot on a country road. Who would have wanted to kill Joe Cates and how bizarre. As it turned out he shot himself in the head with a .22 because the cops were coming to arrest him. He was facing 3 counts of indecency with a child. He survived the surgery and stood trial. I will never forget, the moment the prosecutor proved her case beyond a reasonable doubt. She laid the foundation of how pedophiles operate, surrounding themselves with children in all aspects of their lives and how they particularly target and have more success with people who are more vulnerable. She showed, through a series of witnesses, how he had done that, too. Victims testified. Where she really nailed her case was through the testimony of character witnesses on his behalf. Each one testified how wonderful he was and that they blindly trusted him. They thought they were proving their point for the defense, but they were proving the prosecutor’s point. Joe was a skillful predator. I will never forget, when the jury began deliberating, Joe asked me, “So what do you think?” I was stunned for a moment. I thought he was asking, “So what do you think now that you know I’m a pedophile?” What he was actually asking was, “ What verdict do you think the jury will return?” He was convicted and sentenced to 2-4 years, released after 2. He actually ended up absconding. He faked his death and was wanted as a fugitive for a couple years, ultimately found working as a dishwasher in New Mexico. It sounds like I’m making this up, click the link if you don’t believe me. The therapist I saw after he went to prison the first time recommended the book Blind Faith by Joe McGuiniss. Could not have been given a better recommendation.
And so it goes. Sometimes our world is shattered, but we pick up the pieces and attempt to heal. It’s important to sit with discomfort, especially when someone’s actions leave you gutted or shattered. It’s a time for reflection. Things fall apart, but in putting them back together, there is growth to nourish and wisdom to gain. Acknowledging the truth is a pathway to acceptance and healing.